so there’s this guy that i’ve had issues with since i met him. i thought i just hated him and i had reasons or ya know “reasons” but it wasn’t until now that i have realized that all those insecurities and harsh feelings were because i was constantly fighting with him to be the better. the truth is that he wins, he’s the better man. he’s things i will never be. and then there’s the obvious physical things like he’s super tall and has a penis. i know its been along time since i have posted and i dunno if anyone even reads this but i guess i’m just wondering if anyone knows what i mean by all this. if anyone has felt this way. and how do you deal with always wondering if you will measure up to a bioman. i don’t want bottom surgery. and i know there’s ways around not having a penis when it comes to sex but how do you know if you’ll ever measure up to what’s missing. if your with a woman who has been with men i mean i have no doubt its different. how can you compete? or am i just so focused on it because i’m at the beginning of my transition. i dunno. regardless i know he’s not sitting around worrying about this.
the better man
so my bff gave me my second shot of T today. if your looking for a good video of how to do it here’s the one i used. http://www.staceymeier.com/ this is a great guy, his name is colt and he has like a photo and video journal of his transition. so i feel really good about the state of the union. i feel more relaxed about everything. i joined weight watchers this past week and it has been going AWESOME!!! i really recommend it if your trying to lose weight. it makes me feel in control and i can eat ANYTHING i want. its a really great little system and i feel like its working. i’ll let you know how it goes. my first weigh in is on sunday. and i started on tuesday at 297.5. god that’s awful. i’ve been doing p90x which i also really recommend cuz it makes you feel like a monster or soemthing. i love it. well that’s it for now, i’ll let ya know more on sunday.
ketchup
okay so i know its been awhile since i’ve come around. i feel good. in my mind i feel like i’ve been acting more level since i’m not obsessing about the one thing i DON’T have. so now its like its up to me. my health specifically weight and blood pressure. that’s all on me if i want higher doses which obviously, I DOOOO. so that’s been a good feeling like its more or less back in my hands. my life is under my control more than it was a few weeks ago. so this week i don’t get a shot but next week my partner in crime is going to be giving me a shot. she continually mentions that i better be nice cuz ya know, she’s gonna be the one on the other side of the needle.
oh and BIG news from my parents. well more like my mom cuz my dad still doesn’t really talk about it but it sounds like she gets that it hurts to be called by my birth name and it was pointed out to me that of course i did what i always do and say its ok to them even though its not. BUT for my birthday card this year, they said it was the LAST card they would send me that said daughter AND on the envelope mailing address it just said J instead of my birth name cuz the name i go by also starts with a J. so its like a HUGE step. basically i tossed the card and kept the envelope. =)
this is one of the damn FUNNIEST things i’ve ever seen in a long ass time. oh man this wasn’t made on purpose to look like a vagina but as you can see, damn, it sure does look exactly like one. i mean for zeus’ sake the scroll button looks like a lil clit!!
so this is it. my FIRST lil bottle of T. expensive as shit. i got my first shot on the 5th. it was a huge ass needle but the clinic gave us some smaller ones. so far nothing but i mean i’m only on 1 ml every other week so its not much but my doctor friend said its a good medium dose to start on. i go back in a month so he can check me and then we’ll progress from there. he said if its all okay then we’ll escalate the dosages. so i’m just gonna really try to focus on working out and eating right and hope that for my next appointment he agrees i can be moved up.
i feel like everything is beginning. its like FINALLY graduating from school and getting a grown up job. as my partner in crime says, its like one less thing to be angry/resentful about or constantly thinking about. its begun and now i just wait. another thing i was thinking about is i mean i’d been slightly worried about being a bigger asshole with the T or especially at the end of the 2 week interval but the truth is the guys i know and the books i have read all say that they felt better. they became more focused and calm. no crazy outrages or anything stupid like that. i can’t let it be a possibility.
okay so its backwards but it is MY PRESCRIPTION FOR T!!!!!!!!!!!! since i’m a big guy we’re going to start with low dosages every other week and if i’m doin good then they are going to UP it. i’m using this great service called the apothecary ( http://www.theapothecaryshop.com/Locations.html ) and they deliver it to your house or your clinic ANYWHERE in the country and you can pay for like next day or do like 2 days and get free shipping. mine was like 120 plus tax but it should last 5 months. so the plan is to get the shipment on friday and my doc wants me to get the first injection at the clinic so they can show me how to do it. its insane. i have a script for T and i will be on T by the end of the week if it all goes according to plan. END OF THE WEEK!!! its like its totally not real yet. its like my life can get on and get started in a way it hasn’t been able to up until the moment that needle pierces my skin. i feel like a man in my head and now for the FIRST time i’ll start to feel like one inside and on the outside of my body.
yes mam, thank you mam
sometimes i feel like it will never change. i’ll always hear those words or phrases. maybe one day, i’ll be called sir and i’ll realize that i haven’t been called miss or her in the longest time. maybe one day i’ll have a son or a daughter and i’ll be playing with them or watching tv with them and they’ll touch the scars on my chest and ask what happened and i’ll tell them its an old boo boo that doesn’t hurt anymore or that it was a kangaroo attack and watch them laugh innocently. these people that use these feminine pronouns don’t know the way they cut away at my strength. it slowly cuts me down each day. i go to sleep worn down to the core and at night i try to regenerate and wake up with the strength to try and get through it again. i got more than i could handle today. much, much more. sometimes it’s like it burns under my skin. i just want to put my finger on the remote and press fast forward for a few years and move beyond this painful awkwardness.
T
so its been all will he won’t he will he won’t he get T. first i had an appointment then it was canceled then back on then canceled. well my friends, ITS BACK ON FOR REAL!!!! on tuesday feb 2 i will be seeing a doctor about testosterone. i have no idea what this will be like. i’m guessing he’ll run tests and i’ll get the script next time but i’ve also heard sometimes he runs the tests and doesn’t wait for the results to give you the script. man i’m ALREADY nervous and excited. when i left the building i crossed the street and walked to where my car was which was away from traffic and people that were in my general vicinity, and i giggled and jumped and screamed like a lil school girl. that’s right, a lil school GIRL!! i’m REALLY psyched. my birthday is a few days after that so its amazing to think i’m starting a new year of my life with testosterone.
so i first have to say that i saw this on one of the transguy blogs i follow- genderkid (http://genderkid.wordpress.com/). umm so then i saw the video. i’ve only known one guy that has a relationship with his birth name that is positive. and i feel like the more i think about my past and who and i am where i’m going, the more i realize that that birth name isn’t my “real” name. it was the name they tried to stick me with or label me with. its not me. i was always trapped. i was always me. this transguy has an outlook that is AMAZING and something i honestly never thought of. wow. i love our community. they amaze me. their strength and passion. wow.
a good man
one of the autistic guys i work with told me that i was a good man. that’s like all i want in the world and at the end of the day. to be thought of as a good man. at the end of whatever life i’m givin, i just want to be thought of as a good man. no one has ever said those words to me before. it’s all i wanna be. that autistic boy made my week.
